Today I’m handing over to Joy Justice, founder of Rooted Ceremonies, to talk about how to stay connected when you want different things from your wedding ceremony.

This post is for those moments when wedding planning starts to feel less like joyful decision-making and more like “why are we arguing about this?”. It’s a gentle reminder that disagreement isn’t a sign you’re doing anything wrong. Written by a celebrant with a background in mediation, it explores what’s often sitting underneath those differences and offers ways to approach them with more curiosity, understanding and compassion.

Over to Joy from Rooted Ceremonies to tell us more…

This article was written by guest contributor Joy Justice of Rooted Ceremonies. Views and experiences shared are their own. With thanks to Maureen Du Preez for the beautiful photographs to accompany this post.

How to stay connected when you want different things from your wedding ceremony

It’s such a common thing to find yourself in disagreement with your partner about your wedding plans, because you are two different people with two different personalities, organising a really significant event where you are both going to be the centre of attention! You may also be feeling the pressure of meeting other people’s expectations or needs, and including their opinions. It can soon feel like a big stress and not what you believed it would feel like at all!

If this is your experience, I hear you! I would like to encourage you and share some tools with you. I write these from my experiences as a mediator and facilitator of difficult group dynamics, as well as a wedding celebrant. Working with a sensitive and attentive celebrant and/or wedding planner, is a great way of having some support to be held while you listen to one another and come back on the same page.

Now for the tools:

Trust and Disagreement

It is not a bad thing to disagree! When you are in a relationship that involves a high level of trust, you will probably find that you bounce around between disagreement and agreement on lots of topics- ranging from small things like sponges and cutlery drawers, to big things like raising children and life after death.

Perhaps you’ve observed that over time within your relationship, there are more things that you disagree on, compared to when you first got together. This is probably because your trust has grown over time, and you have learnt to show your truer selves and not be afraid that you’ll put one another off!

When it comes from a place of mutual trust, disagreement is a healthy thing because it indicates that you feel safe enough to express your true opinions and opens the doorway to explore what lies underneath- be that your core values, fears and insecurities, or prior experiences.

Acknowledge any stress

When you’re feeling resourced, your disagreements might not matter so much, or you can communicate about them in a way that brings new insights. When you’re stressed or feeling the pressure, these disagreements might feel more difficult, and you might be less tolerant of them.

Wedding planning can so easily become wrapped up in stress at some point, and when that happens, perhaps it’s time to take a breath and step back from it all for a moment. Go and do something completely unconnected to the wedding that reminds you of what you love about your relationship.

Defining what this wedding is all about for each of you

If you didn’t do this at the beginning, maybe it would help to do it now: ask yourselves what it means to be getting married.

To-do lists aside, what is this really all about for you?

Once you have established your individual and shared values, every decision is likely to become easier. And you might find that where you different on an opinion about what something might look like, you absolutely share values on what you want it to feel like.

Charlie from The Natural Wedding Company encourages couples to define their wedding values, starting with the following reflections:

• how you want to feel on the day?
• what moments from past celebrations felt meaningful?
• what do you hope to remember years from now?

Playful explorations

It can help to introduce ideas lightly to one another, to allow for both initial reactions and then deeper consideration.

I was working with a couple on zoom recently and I made up a game called ‘Yes, No, Maybe’. I invited them each to write these three reactions on three bits of paper in their own words. I then began sharing a number of ideas for their ceremony that had come to me through our initial process of getting to know each other.

With each one, they each held up one of their sheets of paper without discussion. Some things were met with a resounding ‘Yeah!’ or ‘No way!’, whereas other aspects had a difference of opinion to explore.

Making it into a game made it easier for both of them to share their opinions on an equal footing, and to view their own and each others’ reactions with curiosity. Could you play this game together?

Comfort and Discomfort

With couples I have worked with, I have often experienced at least one of them stress how they just want to feel comfortable. But what’s comfortable to you might be really uncomfortable to your partner. For many people, the idea of being the centre of attention is already uncomfortable.

Remember that you have probably been taught and socialised differently and both carry the baggage of what you have grown up with. When something is raising the discomfort alarm, it’s as important as ever to hear it, tune into what might be behind it.

Might it be a fear or prejudgement about what others might think if you did, or didn’t do it? Or might you genuinely feel awkward and uneasy if you agreed to go ahead with this thing- whatever it is (e.g. lighting a candle, a group singalong, a public kiss, choosing to walk down the aisle or not walk down the aisle). I wouldn’t encourage anyone to go ahead with something where they expected to feel deeply uncomfortable.

Equally, you probably wouldn’t choose to deliberately make people in your audience feel really uncomfortable, but if in the end you think they’ll be up for it because they love you and because it reflects who you are, then perhaps you should do it.

Finding your voice

Sometimes when one of you has taken more of a lead in planning your wedding, things can feel out of balance between you. When I’m getting to know a couple and their individual and collective stories and wishes for their ceremony, I provide some journaling prompts which allow each person to express things in their own words and then share with me.  There are questions like ‘when did you know that you partner was the one?’ or ‘what does marriage mean to you?’ and ‘what do you hope you’ll bring to the relationship?’

This means that I can make sure that both of you get the same opportunity to share your stories and ideas and provide input through your journaling.

Communication

We can always learnt to be better communicators, and what better opportunity to practise this within the wedding planning process, whether that’s about examining your own reactions, being curious about your partner’s ideas rather than shooting them down, or sharing why something is important to us.

I think there are lots of realities about wedding planning that it would be helpful to acknowledge.  One of those is the inevitability of some disagreements between you, which at times might feel difficult. Whenever you get deep into co-creating something that really matters to you, it is likely that at some point, it will matter too much, or things will get a little bit out of proportion. When that happens, don’t judge yourself! Pause, breathe in the love that is motivating all this in the first place.

And if you want to work with a celebrant who gets this and wants to support you to work through the sticky bits, I am here!

About Joy and Rooted Ceremonies

Rooted Ceremonies is led by Joy Justice, an independent heart-led celebrant. She loves creating space for others to express themselves, including the quieter voices. The ceremonies she hosts are about connecting deeper to ourselves, each other and the earth. This happens through the design and preparation of the ceremony and the ways that everyone present is inclusively welcomed and held.

Find Rooted Ceremonies on my eco wedding directory.

Photos: Maureen Du Preez Photography